fuzbeartophat

I find ranting on DA better than Insta and idk probably because it's out there but not everyone will see it. Just lately I've been having a hella tough time. hell, I've been struggling with this since I was a kid and I just presumed I'd "grow out of it" but I just haven't. and I don't know why. I don't know why I get so stupidly overwhelmed over stupid things that would just maybe annoy someone. I get upset and I don't mean just awee gosh darn it, I mean, balling my eyes out over something not happening in an expected time frame. and I have that it's mostly about me, and what I want, and what I expected and how I wanted it to go and I hate it. I feel so god damn selfish but I can't help it and I just try to push on. and stupid things irritate me or send me over the edge. I even thought that at this age, 19 years old, I wouldn't get overwhelmed with people touching a teddy bear of the same age. But I still do. I get angry and upset because "their germs" are on him now, "germs" I don't like. and It's the same when someone  I love hugs me and we separate for a few hours or days. I don't want anyone or ANYTHING to touch whatever they last touched. It sounds so god damn stupid, so stupid and so pathetic that I get upset over the things. Then there's the fear of touching certain people all because of "big" differences to how they look that has no effect or anything wrong with it. I feel contaminated. I feel I'll get sick or something bad will happen and I feel so shit about it because I don't know why I'm like this. My therapist says it could be trauma-induced OCD but I have no idea when this started. I don't think anything traumatic happened to make me like this. It's such an annoyance today because I don't want to be like this. I can deal with my depression. I can deal with my anxiety. I can deal with the nightmares and the stress but this. I've had this for so long that now I'm older, my actions are no longer passed off as something a petty little kid would do. It's no longer something to just get some attention to whinging. It's no longer just a bratty attitude that I'll get smacked out of or shouted at. I'm 19. I'm 19 and I'm scared. This is not normal. I just want to be normal. I want to feel like a normal person. Because I don't know if this is a neglected illness or something selfish and disgusting part of my personality. I don't want to feel like a bad person anymore. I don't want to be. I feel like I am. I just want to get out of this place but I don't want to go home because it's even worse. I feel dirty. I feel contaminated and this current worldwide issue isn't helping. I just want it to stop.


fuck. I didn't expect to rant this much and I think I'm just going to stop before I go on for longer or breakdown in tears. I can deal with most of my issues but this. whatever it is, it just feels like a constant weight. I just wanted fucking noodles and this shit happens. that tips me over the edge. I just wish people could wash their fucking hands, no get ash on the kitchen tops, clean things properly, not smoke everywhere and stop putting things on their face and I just. it builds up. so much builds up. id rather be hit with one big thing then feel better after some distraction than get hit with tiny things and for it to come crashing down. I feel so stupid and I laugh because the noodles that tipped it. not the lack of handwashing and getting piss everywhere, not the ash on the kitchen top. fucking noodles. why did it have to be super noodles curry flavoured instant noodles that I wanted at least about 2 in the morning after not eating and because it's now 3 and people aren't in bed when they usually are there's music and shouting, I have to sit here. eating biscuits. and the snacks I wanted to eat later. I wanted to draw and play dbd but I was waiting to have noodles first because of routine. you eat, you watch youtube and it HAS to be a gamer and most likely dbd but not sat and it just. there's so much fucking going on. and I hate this. fucking supernoodles. fucking hell. even if my fiance was to waltz up the stairs with some, it'd still feel off because I wanted to watch him make them. I want to be there and just go through the beep of the hob, the water bubbling and the feeling of steam and fuck I haven't even noticed these little things until I'm in this state and I just. I don't like it. and now I'm going to sign this off by correcting my spelling mistakes but I know for a sheer fact that people will read this and go "this girl is so selfish" and I just. ill sign off with a :') because that makes me feel somewhat better. :')

yee haw i just remembered how i lost a friend for asking how they are and that i missed them yee haw  

Requests! CLOSEDSince im stuck indoors due to UK now being under lock down.
im gonna open some requests! 
RULES:
- You must be following me! 
- Share this journal! 
- Be patient ( I still have Uni work / online courses to do :') ) 
If i do NOT choose your character to draw, please do not be offended! 
Comment and show proof of the shared journal for a slot! 
SLOT 1 - :iconLucasXcalibur:
SLOT 2 - :iconfuzbeartophat:
SLOT 3 - Prismblack91
SLOT 4 - JamesZorranFan789 
SLOT 5 - CarterWinfield22
WILL DO:
Human 
Anthro/furry 
Ponies/ MLP 
NSFW / GORE 18+ (show proof)
WILL NOT DO: 
Mecha
Cars 
Over complex characters ( E.G many spots/stripes, many MANY overlaying colours )
Armour 
thanks again! hope i can help through these weird times! 
if you guys would like to support me more,
THE REQUEST HAND IT OVER, AFTON! >:]

    :bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon:   :bademoticon: 

How many OCs do you have?

Oof id say over the 100 marks hehe

Gender and Love
You have an OC that is...
(x) Male
(x) Female
(x) Intersex
(x) Non-binary or genderqueer
( ) Genderfluid
(x) Transgender
(x) Heterosexual
(x) Bisexual
(x) Homosexual
( ) Polysexual
(x) Pansexual
(x) Asexual
(x) Demisexual
(x) Aromantic
( ) Polyamorous
(x) Single
(x) Dating
(x) Engaged 
(x) Married
(x) Divorced
(x) Widowed
( ) In a civil partnership
(x) In an open relationship
( ) In a poly relationship 

19

Race and ethnicity
You have an OC who is...
(x) Black
(x) Caucasian
(x) Hispanic
(x) Indian
(x) Asian
(??) Middle Eastern
( ) Native American
( ) Pacific Islander
(??) Another race or ethnicity
(x) A race or ethnicity or your creation
(x) Multiracial

I honestly don't know some because I just... can't remember... where they're from.. oops...
7

Beliefs 
You have an OC that is...
(same with the above)
(x) Christian
(x) Jewish
( ) Hindu
( ) Buddhist
(x) Islamic
(x) Pagan or Wiccan
(x) Satanist
(x) Another religion
(x) A religion of your own creation 
(x) Agnostic
(x) Atheist 
(x) Pro-LGBTQA+
(x) Anti-LGBTQA+ 
(x) Pro-choice
(x) Pro-life


13

Illnesses and disabilities 
You have an OC with...
( ) Cancer
(x) HIV/AIDS
( ) Lupus
( ) Diabetes
( ) Crohn's
(x) Depression 
(x) Anxiety  
(x) Bipolar disorder or bipolar depression
(x) Schizophrenia
(x) PTSD
(x) Self-harming habits or tendencies
(x) Alcoholism
(x) Drug addiction
(x) Asperger's, Autism, or another form of ASD
( ) Down's Syndrome
(x) Infertility issues
(x) Allergies
(x) Insomnia
(x) A missing limb, multiple missing limbs, or prosthetics
(x) Blindness or a missing eye
(x) Deafness
(??) The inability to speak
(x) Confinement to a wheelchair
( ) Paralysis
(x) Another illness or disability
(x) An illness or disability of your creation

19

Location
You have an OC from...
(x) North America
(x) Central America
(x) South America
( ) The Caribbean Islands
(x) Europe
(x) The United Kingdom
( ) The Middle East
(x) Africa
(x) Asia
(x) Russia
(x) India
(x) Australia
( ) New Zealand
( ) Antarctica
(x) Another dimension, realm, planet, or place of your creation.

11 (but I ain't sure because I forget )

Appearance and abilities
You have an OC with...
(x) Glasses
(x) Freckles or visible birthmarks
(x) Acne
(x) Scars or burns
(x) Missing or crooked teeth or a gap
(x) Fangs 
(x) Wings and/or horns
(x) A tail/s
(x) Fins or gills
(x) Magical powers or supernatural abilities

10


Add up your total and that is your % out of 100:

79 fuckers B) 

oof so I don't mean to vent but I wanna get stuff off my chest ouchie so anyways, I've been considering dropping out of college. to them I'm uncreative and my work is lazy and rushed. let's not get onto the fact majority of tutors fucking hate my guts for no reason other than I spoke up against a transphobic, disgusting bully. but hey ho, they went out for dinner and stuff like that. I might get my grade back and then just... leave ya know? because I can't do this. ill get a job maybe and just do some freelance work. I might be happier and id get to reflect on myself hopefully, life won't be as hard then. who knows. Anyways, I'm gonna go and do something. Apply for jobs xD